Temptation

Temptation/If there was a picture/It’d be yours painted next to the definition/I’m a painter/Creating and using my own foundation/I paint pictures for later/For the haters/Because without them who would truly care?/Look/Don’t judge me for what I wear/How I do my hair/You know nothing, get outta here/I’m more of a man/Than some dudes that have a ehmm in their pants/I’m lethal with a pen in hand/Romantic when I’m holdin’ hands/Sometimes I think I can/Than reality sets in/And really all we can ever do is kick it/No kissin’/Not even touchin’/Only lust, no lovin’/Yeah I don’t know what I’m missin’/And leading you on isn’t my intention/Somethin’ so complex it feels like a mission/Submission/WWE/The way you are/It’s somethin’ oh so sweet/tea/It’s killin’ me softly/Kisses on my cheek sendin’ through volts of electricity/Finally/Someone who gets my personality/Who’s not rushin’ me/goin’ with the flow like the Mississippi/Not with overflow/Slow goin’/Paddle boat/Just so you know/I’ve clarified/Invested the time tellin’/I’m not sure what’s on my mind but I’m tryin’/Maybe the effort isn’t as concerted as you’d like it/But I’m tryin’/For once I’m not denyin’/Maybe I’m just buyin’ time/Yeah right/Isn’t that somethin’ we’d all like to try?/ Lies/ They’re easier to tell than the truth/From day one I promised you/Honesty/ And honestly, I’ve been doin’ pretty good/So it seems/ But beauty/ Is in the eye of the beholder and everything/ So I’ll just keep painting/ You just keep standing/ Still/ If you will/ No sudden movements/ You might just send me to the moon/ When you walk into the room/ Who am I kiddin’/ You do/I keep tryin' to resist/ And that’s why you’re temptation

6.24.2011

Rolled up a blunt
yeah I know that's a bit blunt
maybe even a bit dunce
but just once
I'd like you all to see
the places that aren't meant to be seen
that inner me
have you questioning my authority
respectfully
I'm not asking you to get on your knees
I'm asking you to pay attention to me
It's easier to have ya eyes instead of ya ears
but when you've been gone 3 years
dodging the leers of the haters is ridiculous
Yeah
it's not exactly my kind of poetry
but I'll take what I can get since it's me
I'm still me
a wise sage indeed
twenty-four, and I'm knockin' on everyone's door
I just need some support
Like I'm in rehab and you're my consultant
It's gorgeous
Like when you throw on a record
A new CD
Pick out every lyric
Imagining the paper scribbled on with a pen
Maybe it's just me
Maybe that's just what I see
Yeah, I feel the beats,
but it's the words that get me.

[[ Insert Title Here ]]

I've kind of been doing this self evaluation thing lately.  Some of it's because I've been goin' to church, some of it is the fact that I'm about to be 24 and haven't done ANY of the things I said I was going to.

What happened to me?

I was supposed to write this big time novel.
I was supposed to publish a few poems.
I was supposed to be a teacher.
I was supposed to be stable; a working car, a place to call my own.

Then I think...
High school ended.
I come up with excuses.
Joey died...

Now I think, why did that have to stop me?  How it's just an excuse.
Truth be told.. It hurt when he left.
And it still does.

Sure, I'm in college, have my AA, about a year and a half out of my B.A.  But at 22/23 I should have been done.  I should be in a classroom doing what I feel I'm supposed to do.  And what's my excuse?

If anything, I've learned about the "we're not promised tomorrow" because of it.  But learning something, and applying something are two different things.

I think it's time.

Time to stop with all the excuses and do everything I aspire to be.  I have SO many ambitions! 
Time to stop with all the negativity.  I LOVE the positive energy I feel when I feel it!  There's not so much weight on my shoulders; I can breathe!

It's time to be optimistic.  To look at our glasses as MORE than just half full!

We're not given tomorrow.

Let's seize today!

If tomorrow never comes...

If tomorrow never comes,
cry only for a little while
for there are many memories to hold on to

If tomorrow never comes,
cherish my love for music
as well as my love for poetry

If tomorrow never comes,
be not ashamed of the secrets to be revealed
for they are now all that is left

If tomorrow never comes,
I'm sorry, I tried
but I just haven't tried hard enough

If tomorrow never comes,
I've made many mistakes
but they have defined me

If tomorrow never comes,
remember my dreams and aspirations
cry because of my lack of motivation

If tomorrow never comes,
realize, that I realized
I didn't act soon enough with my gift

If tomorrow never comes,
promise me some things;
     promise me that you'll never go to bed mad
          that you'll send a simple text message just to say you're sorry
     promise me that you'll be forgiving
          and remember, I tried my hardest at that too
     promise me you'll say "I love you" to those you truly do
          and don't forget to love on your animals too
     promise me you'll do something for the kids'
          they're the hope we must hold on to
     promise me that you'll stand up for what is right
          a little rebellion is needed for success
     promise me that you'll be giving
          and that you'll do onto other what should be done onto you

If tomorrow never comes
let it be known that everyone who I ever met
we shared an experience
and whatever experience that might have been
Thank you

Because if tomorrow never comes
you all must be told how important you are
how you matter
and how precious life truly is
A gift

Let's color!

Growing up, (and I know this because I work in child care) we teach our kids to color inside the lines.  We don’t care too much about the color because it’s their imagination they’re running with, but we just care about staying in the lines.
But as we get older, we stick to that fundamental coloring in the lines for everything.  So then it’s a rule; a command we’ve grown accustomed to.  Everything we do in life is about staying within those lines; that comfort zone we were taught as kids.

So how do we blossom?  How do we shine?  We have to step out of those lines and show the world what we’ve been given.  Sure, you’re scared, I’m scared, we’re all scared.  If we don’t take any chances where are we gonna end up?  Surely not at the top.

Life.  It’s messy.  It’s colorful. It is ever-changing.  If we don’t color outside the lines, how will we know what’s out there for us?  Give me a box of crayons, some paint, pencils, markers, pens, give me something that will help me make my mark on the world.

My Beekeepers..

If you can't accept me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.  True statement.  I went to visit Joey today and I was thinkin' about all those that knew me during that time and have stayed by me, as well as those who had just barely met me and stayed by me.  It really was a low point in my life, and as I look back at it, I find myself remembering all those who stayed; who kept me.  I realize how truly blessed I am with some of my friends; you know who you are.  You remember who I was back then and who I am now.  I can only continue to grow along with you if you continue to keep me.  This honey thrives off of you.

Mirror

Often times, I find myself looking in the mirror, lost in some thought, some day dream.  I mean, looks are not exactly in my favor, but that's not why I look.

Sometimes, my eyes are red and puffy from crying; from holding everything in.  Sometimes there are dark circles under my eyes because of the insomnia that frequents my evenings.  Sometimes, my eyes are the most beautiful color for no reason at all.  I have this line on my forehead; drives me nuts.  I used to hate my thick, long, curly hair, but now, I'm learning to manage it.  I'm not girly, but I'm workin' on it.  I'm tryin' to read more.  I'm tryin' to write more.

Yet sometimes I look at myself and I see this truly pathetic piece of work.  Inadequate.  A girl holding in so much and yet, tells the world to talk about their problems when she doesn't even know where to begin herself.  Someone who is trying to carry weight, but hides the bumps and bruises she gets from doing so.

I start a lot of dreams.  And I do mean A LOT. 

I'd like to think I'm blessed with the talent of writing, especially when I have a chance to get a thought in order.  So I've tried writing several books........ Do you see any published yet?  I always find something wrong; I'm my harshest critic.  Why am I going to try to put something out there to help someone, to help the world, when it just doesn't feel right?  Fact or fiction?  Why should it matter?  Because at the end of the day, what should matter, is that it mattered to someone.  That something I wrote, that came from MY head, my heart that it all would somehow matter.  My poetry?  Gosh... I can't even begin to tell you where that's gone.  It's def. not the same it was 4 years ago.  Not to mention, I find ANYTHING I produce inadequate; yet I'm too scared to share.  And handing something off to my friends doesn't exactly benefit because they're supposed to say it's good when really, they should be telling me what's wrong, what I can change.  If it's fine, well then genuinely tell me.

School?  The thought of NOT finishing, terrifies me.  It's not for everyone else, it's for me, because in the long run, it's about the kids.  I've learned that a college degree can take time; but I need to stop wasting it.

I'm def. scared of what people think; I've never fully admitted it, but there it is.  Because all my life has been has been about pleasing someone and not doing something for me; for MY life.

In one of my blogs, I said I was going to get some writing out there.  Well... four months into 2011, I have yet to try.  TRY.  That's all I can ask of myself.  Because if I don't try, I'll never know.

I think in our lives there is always someone else we're trying to please instead of stepping out and being ourselves.  I know that's my issue. 

Joey died.  He's gone.  I have to learn something from that even with as much as I wish I could take it back.  Wish I would have went instead of being "too tired" to save my best friend... to save my brother.  It's not something we can simply just "get over" but it's def. something we can learn from. Moreso than knowing I'm not promised tomorrow, and any other time after.  Life is truly a gift.  What are we doing with it and who are we doing it for?

Simple Farewell

Yeah, I barely knew the kid,

but most that sit before you can testify his greatness

can testify that he was taken, far too soon,

can testify that here we sit with open wounds

with open minds

about this not so much of a game called life

But what catches my attention, my eye,

I just can’t bear to see this friend of mine cry

Makes me wanna hold her, tell her it will all be alright

Tell her she’s not alone, don’t give up the fight

That it doesn’t get easier, you just learn

how to get through this pain and hurt,

to hold on to the hope of seeing him again someday

because really, we wouldn't have it any other way

I’ll agree, a free spirit is JP

But he’s here, if kept close to your heart, he’s always in it

He’s just a memory away, but he’s here, he’s with ya everyday

Speakin’ of days, I remember when I first met him,

Just days after Joey’s death and I was still feelin’ messed up and grim,

It was Jon Paul’s smile, his grin, won my heart instantly

Now I’m not sayin’ we kicked it everyday, but we weren’t enemies

Once or twice more, maybe, that’s it, but it was never the same,

His presence was radiating

It’s a shame,

the world really did lose someone great that day

Someone with dreams, with aspirations,

Now, he’s off to a different destination

Farewell JP, you are already missed,

Farewell JP, everyone’s gracious friend

A Beautiful Mind 02.05.2011

I spent majority of my morning enjoying my porch and the weather outside!  It has been below freezing all week in New Mexico!  To top it off, we suffered a gas shortage.  But back to why I was outside.  I'm just sitting there jamming out and I get to thinking about thinking..

-About making a list to give a few thoughts.
-About what I'm wearing for the day
-My choice of music; rap is the frequent genre but there are many others.  I'm always open to music.
-About walking to the park by my work, running around it during my break, then go back.  All sweaty but who am I impressing?
-Pastor Steve and the letter I want to write to him.. that thought makes me laugh
-About friendship and how I'm not exactly the good friend people say I am
-About how I can do better in that aspect
-These crazy dreams about being a rapper
-About Gangsta Chris
-How Facebook has become this networking site for public conversation as opposed to picking up the phone or texting for such an intimate conversation.
-How a blog like this works because anyone can do exactly what I'm doing; documenting a thought.. or in my case, thoughts
-How does NM have a gas shortage when we're one of the largest suppliers of natural gas?
-About the way my "poetry" is now; it's almost like I've forgotten how to do it any way else when in reality there are hundreds of ways to document a thought
-About how I say I'm gonna write that best-selling novel and I haven't sat down to document a single thought even though I've had hundreds.
-About how I tweet a lot because there's a way to document a thought right away
-About the three books I've started reading but have slowly declined in
-About how I need to get ready

For the Soldiers...

As I sit here, thinking about soldiers, I'm safely secure inside my home, watching T.V, and dressed comfortably.  If I want to eat, I just get up and walk to the kitchen and choose from a variety of options; hot, cold, healthy, junky.  I have many liberties.

Yet, thousands of miles away, across an ocean, in countries dominated my terrorism and different forms of government, sit Americans, with orders that we can only imagine.  At the same time, we can only imagine what they are going through.  Roadside bombs, not knowing if that really is an innocent child, bullets whizzing by; some of the few things that go on.  We forget about psychological impacts.  PTSD does exist, and in the case of our soldiers, ignorance is not bliss.

Soldiers are fighting the frontlines of our freedom.  WE CAN NOT FORGET THEM!  Soldiers die everyday FOR US and I think it's time we do something FOR THEM.

To all the soldiers, to my friends who serve, to all who serve, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Keep your head low and your spirits high.