Mirror

Often times, I find myself looking in the mirror, lost in some thought, some day dream.  I mean, looks are not exactly in my favor, but that's not why I look.

Sometimes, my eyes are red and puffy from crying; from holding everything in.  Sometimes there are dark circles under my eyes because of the insomnia that frequents my evenings.  Sometimes, my eyes are the most beautiful color for no reason at all.  I have this line on my forehead; drives me nuts.  I used to hate my thick, long, curly hair, but now, I'm learning to manage it.  I'm not girly, but I'm workin' on it.  I'm tryin' to read more.  I'm tryin' to write more.

Yet sometimes I look at myself and I see this truly pathetic piece of work.  Inadequate.  A girl holding in so much and yet, tells the world to talk about their problems when she doesn't even know where to begin herself.  Someone who is trying to carry weight, but hides the bumps and bruises she gets from doing so.

I start a lot of dreams.  And I do mean A LOT. 

I'd like to think I'm blessed with the talent of writing, especially when I have a chance to get a thought in order.  So I've tried writing several books........ Do you see any published yet?  I always find something wrong; I'm my harshest critic.  Why am I going to try to put something out there to help someone, to help the world, when it just doesn't feel right?  Fact or fiction?  Why should it matter?  Because at the end of the day, what should matter, is that it mattered to someone.  That something I wrote, that came from MY head, my heart that it all would somehow matter.  My poetry?  Gosh... I can't even begin to tell you where that's gone.  It's def. not the same it was 4 years ago.  Not to mention, I find ANYTHING I produce inadequate; yet I'm too scared to share.  And handing something off to my friends doesn't exactly benefit because they're supposed to say it's good when really, they should be telling me what's wrong, what I can change.  If it's fine, well then genuinely tell me.

School?  The thought of NOT finishing, terrifies me.  It's not for everyone else, it's for me, because in the long run, it's about the kids.  I've learned that a college degree can take time; but I need to stop wasting it.

I'm def. scared of what people think; I've never fully admitted it, but there it is.  Because all my life has been has been about pleasing someone and not doing something for me; for MY life.

In one of my blogs, I said I was going to get some writing out there.  Well... four months into 2011, I have yet to try.  TRY.  That's all I can ask of myself.  Because if I don't try, I'll never know.

I think in our lives there is always someone else we're trying to please instead of stepping out and being ourselves.  I know that's my issue. 

Joey died.  He's gone.  I have to learn something from that even with as much as I wish I could take it back.  Wish I would have went instead of being "too tired" to save my best friend... to save my brother.  It's not something we can simply just "get over" but it's def. something we can learn from. Moreso than knowing I'm not promised tomorrow, and any other time after.  Life is truly a gift.  What are we doing with it and who are we doing it for?

Simple Farewell

Yeah, I barely knew the kid,

but most that sit before you can testify his greatness

can testify that he was taken, far too soon,

can testify that here we sit with open wounds

with open minds

about this not so much of a game called life

But what catches my attention, my eye,

I just can’t bear to see this friend of mine cry

Makes me wanna hold her, tell her it will all be alright

Tell her she’s not alone, don’t give up the fight

That it doesn’t get easier, you just learn

how to get through this pain and hurt,

to hold on to the hope of seeing him again someday

because really, we wouldn't have it any other way

I’ll agree, a free spirit is JP

But he’s here, if kept close to your heart, he’s always in it

He’s just a memory away, but he’s here, he’s with ya everyday

Speakin’ of days, I remember when I first met him,

Just days after Joey’s death and I was still feelin’ messed up and grim,

It was Jon Paul’s smile, his grin, won my heart instantly

Now I’m not sayin’ we kicked it everyday, but we weren’t enemies

Once or twice more, maybe, that’s it, but it was never the same,

His presence was radiating

It’s a shame,

the world really did lose someone great that day

Someone with dreams, with aspirations,

Now, he’s off to a different destination

Farewell JP, you are already missed,

Farewell JP, everyone’s gracious friend

A Beautiful Mind 02.05.2011

I spent majority of my morning enjoying my porch and the weather outside!  It has been below freezing all week in New Mexico!  To top it off, we suffered a gas shortage.  But back to why I was outside.  I'm just sitting there jamming out and I get to thinking about thinking..

-About making a list to give a few thoughts.
-About what I'm wearing for the day
-My choice of music; rap is the frequent genre but there are many others.  I'm always open to music.
-About walking to the park by my work, running around it during my break, then go back.  All sweaty but who am I impressing?
-Pastor Steve and the letter I want to write to him.. that thought makes me laugh
-About friendship and how I'm not exactly the good friend people say I am
-About how I can do better in that aspect
-These crazy dreams about being a rapper
-About Gangsta Chris
-How Facebook has become this networking site for public conversation as opposed to picking up the phone or texting for such an intimate conversation.
-How a blog like this works because anyone can do exactly what I'm doing; documenting a thought.. or in my case, thoughts
-How does NM have a gas shortage when we're one of the largest suppliers of natural gas?
-About the way my "poetry" is now; it's almost like I've forgotten how to do it any way else when in reality there are hundreds of ways to document a thought
-About how I say I'm gonna write that best-selling novel and I haven't sat down to document a single thought even though I've had hundreds.
-About how I tweet a lot because there's a way to document a thought right away
-About the three books I've started reading but have slowly declined in
-About how I need to get ready